Criticism

We Americans can be pretty rude about how other people raise their children. We roll our eyes. We mutter things about what we would never let OUR children do. We have mastered the evil glare. Some people even say rude things straight to the parents or even the kids.
So when I point out that some Chinese people are rude about how I raise my children, I'm not saying this is an East/West cultural difference. No, there are rude people and kind people in both places. I just think Chinese people can be rude in a different way than Americans.
Even if you don't understand Chinese, you still know that people are telling you how to raise your children. If there is a single cloud in the sky, old ladies will appear out of nowhere to holler at you that your child is cold! They need to be wearing more clothes! A couple weeks ago (remember, it was AUGUST), we had spent the day out and about. During the taxi ride home, it started sprinkling a light summer rain. As I was opening the taxi door RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT, a lady started pulling on Naomi's shirt and tsk-tsking me that she should be wearing more clothes. Seriously?!
Now, a lot of the time, especially during the winter when it's all I hear when I walk down the street, I just tell myself that it's these old women's way of saying they care about my children. And they do. They want the cute little fingers and the cute chubby cheeks to be warm. But it's also their way of telling you (and everyone within earshot) that you're not a good parent.
An older Chinese woman I know was chatting with me once about our mutual friend, who is my age-ish. She mentioned that my friend didn't know a thing about parenting, and it was because she is so young. In China, grandmas usually take care of the young children, and it's very rare to see a young mother alone with her child. And by "rare" I mean nonexistent. If her mother, husband, or mother-in-law isn't with her, then she has a nanny along. On the one hand, raising kids is a group effort. It can be a good thing in a lot of ways. But on the other hand, it does lead to the mindset that young mothers can't do anything on their own. And we should criticize them.
We rode the train to Beijing this weekend. Kevin, Penny, Naom, and I sat in a little booth with three other people. Our kids were very well-behaved. It was a 5-hour trip, and between the toys, books, iProducts and snacks we'd packed, the trip went relatively smoothly. Naomi made friends with the father and son sitting right outside our booth. They played with her, bouncing her balloon around and making her squeal and laugh. For the last hour or so, she made continuous trips between their seats and ours. They gave her snacks every time she visited, so she kept going back. We gave them some of our nice beef jerky, and then we didn't feel so bad that our daughter was such a mooch.
Anyway, as we were getting off the train, some of the people around us started talking about us. I think they knew we understood Chinese, since we had talked them over the course of the trip. But maybe they forgot.
"Did you see those kids? They are like wild animals! They're all over the place, and their parents aren't even watching!"
"I know! This table is sticking out, and not even once did they worry that their kids would knock their heads on it."
I was a little confused by the table comment, since the table was rounded on all surfaces and our daughters didn't even go near it. But I guess I didn't hover and overprotect as much as this woman apparently would have if these were her children.
And I really think that's the big deal. We don't hover. We let our children play on their own. If our child pinches her finger in her seat tray, it might hurt a little. But she will learn to keep her fingers out of the way. It's a different parenting philosophy. And it's okay.
Now, this post has been really negative. I'm sorry. There were probably 50 people on our train car, and only 2 or 3 of them said anything rude. As with America, most people are very kind.
Case in point: I took the girls through the maze that is the Beijing Subway this morning at 8:00. Could there be any crazier time to go? We squished onto the first subway car, and at the next stop, we had to get off to let people out, then re-squish back onto the car. One lady saw that, and she started telling people to scoot over and let us further into the train, to move over and let us sit down. Then when we finally came to our stop, she actually picked up Penny and carried her off the train so she would be sure to get off with us. At different points of my (crazy) journey, several other people helped me carry the stroller up and down stairs at the transfer stations, and a few people held Penny's hand to help her up or down the stairs.
In general, people in China are very kind. Everywhere I take the girls, I'm surrounded by a chorus of, "They are so cute!" "Look at those big eyes!" "She looks just like a doll!" and, "Wow, what a cool stroller!"
So when people decide to be rude and to criticize, it surprises me, and it stings. And unfortunately, I remember the one critic just as much as the chorus of supporters.