I know no one agrees with me, but I just want to explain why I'm right. (And you're wrong, by the way.):)
In kindergarten, kids share. This is good.
When 18-month-olds get together to play, they don't. And that's okay.
When the toddlers inevitably start grabbing the same toy and frustratedly yanking it from the other's hands, moms generally holler for their kids to "share." It doesn't happen.
One kid gives a final yank and then takes off with the coveted toy. The other one cries. Sometimes they both cry. Then the mom comes and takes the toy away from one or both of the kids, chastising her own child for not sharing.
But what does she even mean by "share"?
"Share" can mean one of several things:
-Surrender your toy to the other kid or mom will come take it from both of you. (This happens. But I don't refer to it as "sharing.")
-You two play with the same toy together at the same time. (Ideal. However, not developmentally possible at this point. Toddlers play parallel to each other, not with each other.)
-Let the other kid play with the toy, and then take your turn next. (This will come at some point-- just as soon as I can explain to Penny what "in a minute" means. I have high hopes for this one.)
-Let the other kid have that toy, and you go find something different to play with. (This one works when Penny has just eaten and napped.)
-Go find the other kid a different toy to play with so you can keep playing with the same toy. (By far our most successful option.)
I have no doubt that Penny can learn these different skills. We're working especially on the last two, and they serve us well. I'm looking forward to when she can understand about taking turns. And at some point she will learn to be more interactive and empathetic and realize that playing WITH other kids actually makes it more fun!
But if I tell her from across the room, "Share!" what am I really asking her to do?
"Here, Penny. Assess the situation and decide which of these options would be the best choice. Then if that doesn't work, please try another option. Do what it takes to make both you and the other child keep from crying. Thank you!"
Um.... She's savvy, but not THAT savvy.
I'm not going to ask her to share.
By the time she's in kindergarten, I have no doubt that she will be an expert on sharing. But for now, she's a toddler, and I am just going to start with step one. When Penny gets grabby and starts comandeering toys, I tell her to find a different toy or find one for the other kid. I'm finding it's a concept that she can master.
We're not there yet, but I do find that it yields better results than hollering, "Share!"
13 comments:
I'm glad u blogged about this. It's obviously been on ur mind alot :-) I like how u broke it down. Sounds like u know what ur doing. Keep it up!
Good call! We use the last two a lot as well and the taking turns. But they still all require parental guidance.
This made me laugh because 1. You're right. And 2. Many of the things we call "sharing" really aren't.
SO true! Some things you just can't negotiate with kids because they are too young to 'get it'. However, I believe that when even a tiny kid makes their own choices, they are more apt to 'own' that choice and stick to it, than to decisions made for them. Like getting dressed - I'd show two outfits and let them choose. Worked so much better than vaguely asking what they wanted (too overwhelming) or deciding on one without their input. I've always tried to give good choices before a situation develops. One trick that worked with my kids when they were very little, was, before friends would come over to play, I'd tell them that so-n-so was coming and we were going to have to share toys, then we'd look around the room and I'd point out some favorite toys and ask about each "Do you want to share this? Or shall we hide it before our friends arrive?" Usually, only one or two toys would be hidden, the rest would be shared easily because they'd already set their mind to that choice.
I agree; however, do not underestimate what your child comprehends, many parents think their kid does not understand, and lets bad behavior continue purely because "they're to young". I did this with my oldest, and let a few things slide, with my second I relized that I had been taken advantage of by my 18month old! Just make sure you are always explaining things to her, why and what you are doing, because "share" won't work if they don't know what it means. Kids are smart.
I've been thinking about this since we talked, and I think that when I ask my child to share, I'm asking him to react in a calm way. I'm not necessarily asking him to give up his use of the toy, or even to find another toy for the other kid. I'm asking him to calm down and be sweet to the other kid. My goal is for him to not be so upset that I have to take the toy away, and definitely not to hit the other kid. So you are probably right. I shouldn't be calling it sharing.
I never thought about that. I don't think I usually tell Kyle we need to share. I think that I usually say, "we need to take turns." He has gotten good at that, if we talk about it. However, he think that it is his turn 2 seconds later and that his turn should be much longer. If he finds my phone and I take it, he says, "my turn. my turn." Silly child. I think that you have though a lot about this though and I liked your explanation.
So true! I am going to think about this when I have kids.
She'll understand it much sooner than you think! The kids aren't continuing to fight over the toy because they don't understand what their mom wants, it's because they don't WANT to give it up so they ignore mom. I used to get down with Callum and try to get him to "share" with his friends and he'd look blankly and keep tugging. Then, all of the sudden, one day he knew what it meant. Repetition is key with kids, so if they don't hear the word share until kindergarten then they may know the action but still won't know the word, and it's the term that most of their teachers/nursery leaders/babysitters will use. Hollering across the room isn't even a tiny bit effective (not much is with an 18 month old, at least my with my wild little boy), but you have to keep trying to teach them or it will never work. Also, there's a kid at church who isn't good at "sharing" because he's Penny's age. He bites instead when the other kids won't let go. Yikes. Just don't let Penny play with him unless she's prepared to let go and "share" quickly! We also use the "hide the favorite toys" technique when people come over that your friend Connie mentioned. Just prevents the fights from happening in the first place.
nicely stated! One of the points the principal at the elementary school stresses is using specifics so that the students know what the teacher really means when they say _____. Getting a degree in education sure is helpful for knowing what to do with our own children too!
I am definitely guilty of the sharing thing, but not because I don't agree. I am just to lazy to stop the good conversation I am having with the other Mom to get up. So in order to make it seem like I am an attentive mom I say "share" and continue on till there is blood or tears. Your way probably works better!
this is Sara Lee not Max Power. I forgot to log out of my husbands account.
I totally agree with you. What I want to know is: Why, when the kid was playing with the toy and some other kid comes up and tries to take it, do we think that we should be requiring the kid who had it first to share. We should be talking to the other kid about waiting for their turn. Then we just teach kid two that it's okay to take toys from other kids. This has kind of bugged me, so I'm glad you blogged about it. I kind of told a lady this same thing at play group a week ago. She was trying to force her daughter to share and I explained to her that interactive play wasn't developed for her yet (like you said the play parallel to but not really with each other). Anyway ... Have fun in China!
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