Trying to be healthy

Sometimes I try to be healthy. In fact, as I never try to be UNhealthy, it's probably safe to say that I always try to be healthy. Or at least neutral.
I consider myself somewhat of an expert in this area, so please take careful notes as you read the following.
1. Substitute unhealthy snacks with healthy ones. For example, if you feel that you consume too many M&M's, try buying Raisinets instead. Raisins are dried grapes, which are FRUIT!
2. Don't drink KoolAid instead of water unless you want to gain weight. Don't ask me how I know this.
3. Eat smaller portions. If you buy an entire pork burrito (enchilada style) at Cafe Rio, save the last third for tomorrow's lunch. This is also a great way to make people jealous. And jealousy is just a step away from friendship!
4. Never make desserts unless people are coming over to help you eat them. You'll notice my favorite loophole: there is no limit on how many times you can invite people over in a given period.
5. Exercise doesn't always mean you'll lose weight. (See item 2).
6. Chinese people are skinny. This is because they don't eat American Chinese Take-out food.
7. Hard boiled eggs are small, healthy, filling, and individually packaged. The yolks are also choking hazards if you just pop them into your mouth all at once.
8. Don't feel pressured to finish all the food on your plate. If you're not hungry, you don't have to eat it. This is why you should save your lima beans for last.
9. Exercise is an important part of being healthy. So I always try to walk from my house to the car and then from the car to my office. I reverse that at the end of the day. Whew! I'm winded just thinking about it!
10. Eat whole grains instead of processed white flour. This means fewer Cheetos and more popcorn.

I hope you've learned something.